Coxswains' Test

Adapted by a piece from Alexandria Community Rowing by Mark McMackin on how to cox on the Potomac, Washington.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The cox's primary function is to. . .
A. Yell at people who aren't allowed to yell back.
B. Look good when everyone else is sweating
C. Glare at other river users
D. Glare at stroke
E. Evaluate then re-interpret coaching commands
F. Assure the safety of the rowers and the boat.

2. The first part of a two part command is the warning that the second part is coming. The second part means execute. Which of the following is not a two part command?
A. Ready to lift, and ... LIFT.
B. Next Stroke. ... ROW!
C. Christ! - EASY ALL, DROP AND HOLD HER!!

3. One loud and long single blast from the Georgina's horn indicates . . .
A. The party has begun on board.
B. The captain is just helping the Oddbins delivery guy find the boat.
C. It is safe to overtake
D. The boat is about to depart its mooring site and will be underway immediately. If you are nearby it is probably a good idea to think about avoiding it.

4. One short blast . . .
A. Is nice to have when you get home from work.
B. Is another name for a coxswain who likes parties.
C. Means the boat intends to pass you to his port (mnemonic: port has one syllable). Two blasts means he will be passing you to his starboard (two syllables).

5. Right-of-way is held by . . .
A. The better looking crew.
B. Whomever will suffer the least damage in a collision.
C. Any LMBC Crew
D. Rob Roy scullers - this is in their club constitution...
C. Whomever is overtaking during a race, whomever is overtaken at every other time. If overtaking is not part of the situation, the boat coming upstream has the right of way just as in car traffic the vehicle to the right at an intersection has the right of way.

6. A collision causing major damage, or swamping of the boat requires what action . . .
A. Announce in a loud voice that you can't swim and then dive in.
B. Immediately and loudly criticise somebody/something else - almost anything will do - so as to plant the belief in the crew's mind from the off that it wasn't your fault.
C. Create the impression that, however bad the situation is, it would have been ten times worse if it hadn't been for your presence of mind.
D. Wait to get picked up by a red-suited Baywatch star on a jet ski.
E. If you are Nicky Holdstock: Don't worry. All the crew will jump in anyway and fight each other for the privilege of saving you.
F. Stay with the boat at all times. The boat will not go down even if it is totally swamped. Try and swim with it to the bank. If on the Cam, walk to the bank, towing it.

7. When it becomes apparent that someone is pinned by an oar that has caught a crab, the cox should . . .
A. Keep rowing but at a higher pace to teach that clown a lesson.
B. Stop the boat so that everyone can have a good laugh.
C. Stop the boat to make sure that no one is hurt.

8. The flow of the river is dependent upon . . .
A. Effluent outflow from near the Motorway bridge.
B. Effluent outflow from the Nines.
C. People messing about with the sluice gates at Jesus Green lock.
D. Tide, or/and upstream rain over the last 5 days

9. The part of a river which is affected by the tide is called . . .
A. Really hairy
B. Our lane of the draw
C. Bestiary
D. Estuary

10. Chop and swell refer to . . .
A. Nigella Lawson preparing a fruit cake
B. A Tae Kwon Do class that went badly
C. The reasons we lost. Again.
D. Chop is the immediate effect of the wind on the surface, and swells are the result of a fairly constant wind from one direction and results in waves that will continue to roll in that direction. Chop is a good indicator of how the wind will move the boat, and swell is an indicator of whether you can safely stay out much longer.

11. The coxswain can decide to return to the boathouse only. . .
A. If a three quarters majority approve of his/her decision.
B. If it is Opening Time.
C. If it looks like rain
D. If s/he determines it is necessary, without clearing it with anyone (though s/he will inform the coach as soon as possible).

12. When approaching the Georgina, the cox will . . .
A. Lead the boat in prayer.
B. Call on VHF channel 16 and demand it gets out of the way.
C. Ram it. Who do these people think they are?
D. Think clearly ahead, giving it a wide berth as you manouever past it, all the time checking for other boats coming in the opposite direction.

13. The blind zone refers to . . .
A. A TV show from the 50's.
B. A dating bar for the sight impaired.
C. The area of the river's surface immediately in front of a boat which cannot be seen by the steerer of that boat . It extends from a few feet for a launch to almost a hundred feet for a barge. For most coxes, it extends to infinity.

14. The best way to take a really large wake is . . .
A. To reminisce about the fine qualities of the departed, and remark how natural he looks.
B. At an angle so that the wave will travel down the length of the boat and get everyone equally wet.
C. Exactly parallel to it so the the whole boat will ride up and over the wave.

15. A shortage of coxswains is . . .
A. A group of them together, like a pride of lions or a flock of geese.
B. Directly attributable to the stroke's chile and garlic diet.
C. A serious blow to a good rowing program.

16. A fisherman loses his line to you and becomes wrathful. You should say:
A. "Serves you right, you gyppo tosser, you could see we were coming."
B. (Loudly) "Let's pull in here and you guys deck him."
C. "Bloody hell! Where did he come from?" (Women don't fish)
D. "Awfully sorry. Would you like us to try and recover your float and hook?"

17. At the end of an outing, the cox should...
A. Leap straight out of the boat, shouting "Can you manage, guys? I'm running a bit late..."
B. Explain to the crew that they are a bunch of useless spanners and that s/he is resigning as of now.
C. Encourage the crew by summarising the progress made during the outing: "At least we overtook that WJ13 1X down the Reach...I didn't think we'd manage that."
D. Assume and maintain full command of the boat until it is safely racked.

18. 'C.R.A.' stands for...
A. Complete Rowing Anarchy
B. Cox by Royal Assent
C. Cambridgeshire Rowing Association

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers: The correct answers are the final option in each case:

Score:

18 You are a coxswain extraordinaire and you are ready for the heavy traffic on the Cam. Do you already cox someone? Would you like to?

11-17 You are a knowledgeable person at the helm, and your crew had better appreciate you.

6-10 You can tell the difference between a boat and a hole in the ground.

3-5 If you came back with fewer rowers than you left with, it is not guaranteed you would notice.

1-2 Try practicing some more in your bathtub

0 Are you with Champion of The Thames?

If you are a cox, or thinking of starting, below are fifty (allegedly true) coxing commands or orders you should never give. Remember, some poor crew somewhere has heard all of these at some time...

* Keep going, they might catch a crab.

* Just going through the umpire's wash

* Faster up the slide!

* (with a hint of hope) They're not going away as fast now

* ...97,98,99 ...

* (On the way to the start), Is that OUR race going by ?

* You're going to lose, DO SOMETHING!!

* Pull with your hands (!)

* Heard after 20 pretty good strokes of a 25k steady state row ... "that's good, one minute gone."

* Give me another hard one!

* Two, watch the buoy.

* Nearly half-way, now - keep going!

* It looks shallow here...

* Pull harder guys...my dad is watching!

* Give it 10! You're dying!

* Let's focus on our technique now (as you cross over the 500m down mark).

* Are we at full pressure?

* Ummm...We have hit the umpire's launch.

* When does our race start?

* Boy, those guys are fast!

* Last 10 strokes to the finish! 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1..... okay, and 5 more!

* Let it run......in two.

* They're going faster than us!

* We are going to lose...

* Hey guys, it looks terrible but feels great.

* Does anybody know which side the sandbar's on here?

* OH SHIT!! (While your coach screams"SAVE THE EQUIPMENT!!!" )

* One, Two, Three, Seven, Five.... (during a power ten)

* Take ten to focus

* Last minute....last fifty strokes...power twenty...power ten.. ..Almost there!!!

* Guys, I don't think this is our race.

* We're not gonna let the 1st boat beat us, remember, we're the novice men!!

* God, I can't see anything in this fog.

* Look at that!!

* C'mon guys, that sculler is beating us

* What are these strings for??

* Don't get tired...

* (During one of your first hard pieces in training): "Come on, pull harder than you have ever pulled in your life before!"

* What the hell does that house boat think it's doing?!!

* (over your mic) How does this thing work again?

* Give me a power ten. One. . .Two. . .Three. (yawn) .Four. . . .

* We're four lengths down...keep up the good work.

* I think I can see the finish line, guys.

* Is there a reason that no one takes this arch?

* (After a brutal crab) "Hey, where does three think he's going?"

and a couple of my personal favourites:

* Well done, that's the two-mile post going by on our left....ummmm....no....actually, I think it's just a tree...

* (Heard over the speaker system) "Don't you f*cking swear at me!"